Carers Week 2025 - "Caring was never in my DNA"

In 1972, a woman moved to the UK from Sri Lanka, bringing with her a law degree and going on to work here as a solicitor. In 2019, she began experiencing panic attacks and severe anxiety ahead of a safari holiday with friends she had travelled with before. The panic attacks continued, and around two years later, she was diagnosed with mixed dementia – both Alzheimer’s and vascular.

Her husband cared for her at home until March 2025, when she moved into a nursing home. “She’s now getting much better care than I could give her,” he says. “I’m 80 years old, and caring was never in my DNA. I’m an engineer, not a carer.” Still, he was able to use his engineering background to support her in practical ways - fitting handrails and adapting their home to meet her changing needs.

In the early days of her illness, he attended local support groups for people caring for those with mental health issues. He found them incredibly useful, especially when it came to learning how to make day-to-day decisions. “I didn’t understand at first that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind,” he reflects. “It’s not always about doing what the person wants - you have to steer them gently towards what’s best for them.”

As the dementia progressed, he was also supported through Filo Family Support, which he found hugely helpful. “I was the objective of the calls,” he explains. “That made a big difference – it gave me the chance to talk about whatever I needed to.”

She attended a Filo group for around three years. “We miss Clare – she was such a nice person, you couldn’t fault her,” her husband recalls. Alongside her Filo days, she also went to a local day centre twice a week, which she enjoyed. These breaks gave her husband some much-needed time to himself. He joined a walking group and now takes part in weekly walks, recently completing a nine-mile coastal route. “It’s very social, lots of talking and events. I’ve made some very good friends.”

Technology helps them stay connected. They have smart speakers in both their home and her room at the nursing home. “We can talk to each other that way. I even spoke to her from abroad when I went on a walking holiday.”

When asked what advice he would give to other carers, he says: “I’d pass on some of the things I’ve learned from support groups – and I’d definitely tell them about The Filo Project.”